


Playboy Tony Yes Iron Man Not Recommended

by MysticMedusa



Series: 5+1 [3]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 5+1 Things, Blue Balls for day, Cockblocking, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, M/M, Pimp Clint, Sassy Jarvis, clint is a little shit, cockblocking Thor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-04 23:56:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10292807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysticMedusa/pseuds/MysticMedusa
Summary: 5+1 times being a playboy wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Clint considers solving their super-villain problem by becoming Tony's pimp, Tony considers a life of crime to solve his blue ball problem, Thor tries to defend Tony's virtue, and a certain god of mischief and former assassin both lay claim on a genius/superhero





	

 1

 

 

Tony was in the middle on repairing his suit when JARVIS began to try and warn him to the intruder before his voice cut off. Tony looked up in time to see Loki before he was slammed against the far wall.

“Fuck that hurts.”

“You foiled my plans to conquer this realm. I am a merciful god though so I shall answer your last request before I end you. Don’t waste it.” Loki said with a smug grin.

Tony was many things including a genius and a hero but even he knew when he was a beat. The god had easily shut off JARVIS and no one else was in the tower and he knew he couldn’t outrun the god.

“Drop your pants and let me suck you off.” He says making the god stare unblinking in shock.

“You are about to die and you want to spend your last moments pleasuring me?” He asks clearly wondering what Tony’s trying to do.

“Well yeah, it’s on my to do list and if I’m going to die I might as well get something off my list. Besides if there is an afterlife how many others can say they used their last request to be able to pleasure a sexy god of mischief.

“Flattery won’t save you.”

“I know but I flirt as easily as a breathe and I have absolutely no brain to mouth filter. So am I getting to suck you cock or are you just going to kill me?”

Loki stares at him a moment before he snaps his fingers to vanish his clothing. Tony’s in such awe at the sight of the naked god that he drops to his knees without hesitation. Loki looks like he expects the mortal to fail in pleasuring him but when Tony begins sucking down his impressive length Loki has to support himself on the nearby worktable to keep from collapsing.

Tony seeing the god’s face as he moans around his cock sending vibrations that have the god gripping his hair tightly. He doesn’t let up as he circles his tongue over the head of the god’s cock and with one quick movement takes him all in his mouth. The god gasps as his grip tightens and finds himself unable to stop himself from thrusting into the mortal’s mouth. The mortal apparently doesn’t have a gag reflex as he takes him easily.

Loki almost wants to make the mortal suffer for being far to talented with his mouth for more than just speaking as he comes surprisingly quickly. The mortal swallows down his seed and when Loki pulls away he licks his cock clean.

“Delicious, thanks for the last meal.” Tony says licking his lips looking rather happy that this would be his last thing he did before he died.

“Damn you to Hel and back.” Loki growls before he vanishes unable to kill the man when he was half hoping for another such encounter.

“J you with me again?”

“Yes Sir, it appears I was offline for several minutes.”

“Yeah don’t worry about. Can you strike sucking a god’s cock off my list?”

There’s a pause and Tony’s almost certain JARVIS is judging him. It’s not his fault JARVIS doesn’t get any. He should really built the AI a body so he can get laid.

“Of course Sir, it’s checked off your list.”

“Thanks.” He says returning to what he was doing before he almost died but at least still got something done.

 

 

~

 

 

 

2

 

 

Tony was a little annoyed that Steve didn’t ask for his help with searching for his former brain washed buddy. It’s not like he has the most advanced AI ever that can hack into anything to find the missing former assassin. And it’s not like Tony offered to pay for transportation and all he and his new side kick would need while they searched all over the globe for his buddy. Whatever, Tony isn’t going to be bitter about it. Instead he’s going to ease his bitter anger by satisfying his need for sex. Or he would be if the batteries in his dildo hadn’t been dead. He hates his life as he’s positioned with his ass in the air with a useless dildo in his ass and no way to satisfy himself.

Then he hears a gasp and sees the former assassin Bucky Barnes standing there apparently having broken into his tower for some reason. How he got up to the penthouse is a question he’ll need to ask him if he doesn’t end up killing him. Steve was so sure his friend was still in there while Sam had said there was a good chance if Bucky showed up he was more likely to try killing people again.

Tony knew he should be worried seeing as this man was probably more dangerous than Natasha but again no brain to mouth filter and he has a dildo up his ass.

“Oh thank god someone with a cock, mind helping me out since my batteries died?”

Bucky doesn’t hesitate to go over to the bed and strips off his clothes before taking the dildo out of his ass. Tony’s ass is only empty for a moment before he finds a cock shoved into his ass fast. He cries out before a hand is placed over his mouth silencing him. The soldier’s rhythm is fast and ruthless and has Tony wanting to cry out in pleasure but the metal hand over his mouth has him unable to make much sound. The other hand clenching his hip tightly was probably going to leave bruises.

“Fuck you’re tight.” Bucky finally speaks as he speeds up his ruthless pace and finally releases his mouth.

He cries out loudly in a way that has Bucky gripping him tighter.

“Come for me.” The former assassin whispers seductively in his ear and has him coming on command.

Bucky may not be the winter soldier anymore but he’s just as ruthless as he continues to fuck him after he’s already come. He whimpers at the over stimulation but Bucky doesn’t show mercy as he keeps going and even grabs his spent cock to pump it back into awareness.

“Please…it’s to much.” He whimpers.

“You can keep going. I’m going to fuck you until you can’t sit anymore. Everyone will know the winter soldier got a hold of you.”

Tony just imagined all the damage the soldier had done and his brain automatically clinked with what he was saying. Oh god the winter soldier was going to destroy his asshole. Bucky chuckles like he knows Tony realized what he meant. When Bucky came he was still fucking into Tony. His cock was aching but he managed to come again before the soldier switched positions to still fuck into him.

Later after being fucked for hours and only a few hours for rest he blinks awake to find no sign of Bucky. He can’t stand and he doubts he’s moving anytime soon.

“JARVIS.”

“Yes Sir?”

“Can you check having sex with an assassin off my list.”

“Shall I also check off having your asshole destroyed off your list?”

Tony had forgotten he’d actually put that there.

“Yeah sure, seriously I don’t know what I was thinking when I added that to the list.”

“I believe it was after the battle of New York when you fantasied about sleeping with either of the gods you encountered Sir.”

Clearly JARVIS was not happy with him for that one. One of those said gods had been a villain.

“Don’t you judge me JARVIS; I’ve just had my ass destroyed. I’m disabled; you don’t make fun of disabled people.”

He’s pretty sure the AI is laughing at him when he still can’t walk half a day later and he really needs to use the restroom.

 

 

 

~

 

 

3

 

 

Ok so Tony knows he gets himself into strange situations but his current one he swears isn’t his fault. So yeah he’s naked and yeah he’s been kidnapped by Doom but he totally blames Clint and Reed for this. Mostly because Clint was there with him and he just wanted to blame someone but also because not only was Reed a douche but he kept making the avengers deal with his villain.

So apparently Doom realized how much of a threat Tony was when given anything to work with so he and Clint had both been stripped of their clothing so they had nothing to use to escape.

“You cannot escape now. You have interfered with Doom’s plans for the last time.”

Tony rolled his eyes hearing the villain monologue. He wondered how long it would end up lasting this time. He actually yawned he was so bored with the speech. Doom apparently wasn’t happy with that as he moved to strike Tony but a burst of green stopped Doom.

“What are you doing with my mortal?” Loki growled.

“Doom does not see your name on him.”

Loki stormed over to Tony and ignored Clint telling him stay away from them. He grabbed Tony and turned him so his back was to Doom. One touch to his lower back and Tony could feel a weird tingling.

“What the-?”

He looked as best he could to see his lower back.

“Right there is says ‘Property of Loki’ did you seriously think I’d have it so his hero comrades could see it? He is mine.”

Doom actually seemed to be considering it. Tony groaned as he rested his head on Loki. He didn’t think blowjobs meant gods could claim people. He wonders if Loki just wants to kill him himself. He hopes not, Loki has a really tasty cock and he’d love to taste it again.

“Dooms sees he is yours but the other is not.”

“You took my mortal; you must pay me for the time you’ve taken by capturing what is rightfully mine. You will release the archer to me as well.”

“Doom does not owe you.”

Green sparked at Loki’s fingertips.

“Then you will die and I shall still take both my mortal and the archer.”

Doom finally gave in.

“Fine, take them.”

Loki doesn’t hesitate to teleport with them both. He drops Clint careless in the common room of the tower and picks up Tony while Clint tries to protest.

“Silence mortal, I just saved you and now I shall earn my prize for saving you both. Tony your ass is my prize.”

“Less talky more sex. Also thanks for saving my ass but we totally need to talk about you writing your name on things that aren’t yours.”

“Of course you’re mine, my name’s on you.” He said teleporting them to Tony’s bedroom and dropping him on the bed.

Before Tony could protest Loki had him pressed against the bed and was kissing him as his talented slender fingers began working him open. He moaned against the god’s mouth as his back arched off the bed.

“Fuck me already.” He growled closing his legs around the god’s hips urging him to finally fuck him.

Of course Clint had to be the ultimate cock block and tell Thor what happened. Loki growled in annoyance just before he vanished and Thor burst through the bedroom door with his hammer in hand.

“Man or iron I shall defend your virtue.”

“A little later for that Thor but thanks.”

He didn’t even bother covering up because there were plenty of videos of him being drunk and naked in public and there was no hiding his boner.

“Then I shall find my brother and make sure he never dishonors you again.” Thor’s voice boomed as he took off again.

“Oh sure just leave me and ignore my boner.” He sighed as he looked down at the aching erection left by the god. “Guess it’s just you and me now. J make a note for me to kick Clint’s ass later.”

“Shall I remind you when you don’t have a boner Sir?”

“You and your sass can leave me alone J.”

 

 

 

~

 

 

4

 

 

Tony yawned as he headed to the common floor kitchen that had coffee. Steve was taking a break from his best buddy hunt so he and Sam were at the tower. Natasha and Clint were at the tower to while Thor was still out trying to defend Tony’s honor which meant he had a terrible case of blue balls. Bruce of course was in India and Tony really missed his science bro.

He was only wearing his pajama pants and thought the collective gasp was from seeing how bright his arc reactor was.

“Something you want to tell me Tony?” Steve asked making the inventor look at him confused.

“What?”

Sam and Natasha both pointed to his stomach making him look down. Just above his hip so it could be seen when he was wearing pants was a new tattoo he had no idea when he got.

“What the hell? JARVIS please tell me that doesn’t say what I think it does.”

“Seeing as I am not a mind reader I am uncertain Sir. It doesn’t however say ‘Winter Soldier’ I believe it is his claim on you.”

Tony glared at JARVIS’s sensor.

“I don’t remember this and I certainly wasn’t drinking yesterday. What did you do?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about Sir; he must have gotten past my sight last night and drugged you. I do remember him dropping you off and claiming his fight with Loki over his claim on you shall occupy the god of mischief so he cannot do harm to the city and will make sure Steve at least knows what he’s up to.”

“J all I’m hearing is your scheming against me and I’m not sure I approve of that.”

“As long as you’re safe Sir I’m doing my job.”

“So Stark, you’re sleeping with the enemy.” Natasha said sipping her coffee as she eyed him. He suspected it was only her first cup which explained why he wasn’t dead yet seeing as Clint had probably mentioned the fact he had a magical tattoo claiming him as Loki’s property on his lower back.

“I’m not sleeping right now and I don’t see any enemies so no Romanov I’m not.” He countered because now that he was a little more awake he could feel the pain of the tattoo.

Of course Loki had to show up at that exact moment. He touched the once invisible magical tattoo to make it permanently visible and then proceeded to lick Tony’s cheek.

“JARVIS when that annoying mortal wishes to attempt to lay his claim on what is mine you may tell him not only is my name on him but I licked him so he’s mine.”

There was a pause like JARVIS was sighing before a screen appeared showing Bucky putting a newly tattooed Tony in bed.

“Make sure Loki sees this if he thinks he can get ahead of me on this.” Bucky said in the recording licking Tony’s cheek while flipping off the camera. He then left with smirk like the arrogant bastard he was while still flipping off the camera.

Loki stomped his foot like a child.

“Damn him, this isn’t over.” He said disappearing leaving a group of confused avengers and an oddly aroused Tony.

Before anyone could yell at him he pointed at them.

“Thanks to my libido and charm we know Bucky’s safe and Loki isn’t causing any damage. So none of you get to yell at me.”

He probably should have suspected something when none of them yelled at him. No the cunning bastards got Pepper to do it for him. He wonders after Pepper tore him a new one if it’s too late to become a super villain. All the heroes were assholes and out to get him but at least the super villains were hot and willing to fuck him. He’s pretty sure JARVIS would get Pepper to kill him with her heels if he tried to change sides.

 

 

~

 

 

5

 

 

So besides having two very attractive and dangerous people fighting over him, Captain America permanently wearing the ‘Captain America is disappointed in you face’ and two super spy assassins giving him the stink eye his life had more or less been normal. He hadn’t mysteriously gotten anymore tattoos and he hadn’t seen either men that were apparently battling it out for his affection. He still had blue balls like crazy because regardless of what Pepper says he’s not an idiot. He’s not going to get some poor fool killed by sleeping with them when apparently Loki and Bucky had a claim on him.

“But what if you sleep with like Doom or the brotherhood of mutants? Loki and the winter soldier would just kill them and we’d done with super villains.” Clint said over the coms as they were fighting Doom bots.

“”Hawkeye don’t use the coms for anything that isn’t the mission.” Cap scolded the archer while Tony made a mental note to shot Clint later for trying to whore him out like a pimp.

“Is Clint trying to become Tony’s pimp?” Sam asked over the coms and Tony almost laughed and decided he didn’t mind Cap’s new bestie.

Tony had just hit a doom bot when two more tackled him from behind. He cursed hearing the suit make a crunching sound. He didn’t get the chance to blast the bots before a burst of green had Loki flinging the bots off of him. When he looked the god was gone and was now on the ground blasting bots right and left clearly keeping them far away from Tony.

“Is Loki helping us?” Nat asked over the coms.

“I think he’s only helping his boyfriend.” Clint said and Tony swears he hears a hint of jealousy in his voice.

“Something else is taking out bots to.” Sam pointed out.

Tony searched and yeah something was sniping bots but he wasn’t able to find the source so he suspected it was Bucky. The doom bots situation was quickly taken care of and when Tony landed near Steve the captain was giving him a look.

“You want to explain why Loki came to help you?”

The god in question appeared behind Tony and wrapped his arms protectively around him.

“Do not upset my human; I want him to be happy when he gives me a blowjob as my reward. Sad blowjobs are not fun.”

Steve’s face turned a new shade of red and at some point Bucky had materialized near them. Tony honestly doesn’t think the man walks anywhere; he just materializes like some magical stalker.

“No upsetting him Stevie.”

Thunder roared nearby and Loki cursed.

“Brother unhand my shield brother.”

Loki grabbed Bucky.

“If I don’t get blowjobs then neither do you”

“Not fa-”

Bucky’s protest was cut off as the Loki teleported them both away. Tony was still in the suit so no one heard his silent whimper of protest. He was pretty sure Thor had cockblocking down to an art form. Tony almost considered blasting the blonde god.

“JARVIS don’t order anymore poptarts for Thor.”

“Sir I believe you’re being childish.”

“J when you have a body and can understand how much of a cock-block Thor’s being then you can decide whether I’m still being childish.”

He was starting to consider letting Clint pimp him out. At least he might get laid and some villains dealt with.

 

 

 

~

 

+1

 

The avengers were all gathering for movie night with the addition of Jane and Darcy when Loki and Bucky appeared in the middle of the sitting area.

“Thor you will cease getting in my way of being with my mortal.”

Thor was on his feet hand out already ready to call his hammer when Bucky grabbed the blonde god and flung him across the room. Tony was going to kill anyone who stopped him from getting laid because that display had his cock so interested it hurt.

“Stop being a cock-block, I have blue balls because you’re an overprotective and idiotic older brother.” Bucky told Thor who looked just as shocked as the rest of the avengers.

Loki picked up Tony and flung him over his shoulder which brought no protest from the inventor.

“Tony-”

Tony cut off Steve with a glare.

“Don’t you Tony me, thanks to you assholes I have blue balls that could put papa smurf to shame. Is it really so bad that I was to suck off a magical deity until he has nothing left but sparkling dust when he tries to cum or have an assassin destroy my asshole so much it puts what Hulk did to Harlem to shame? Just let me get laid people so maybe I won’t seriously consider a life of crime so I won’t have asshole cock-blocking friends.”

They stared speechless while Loki vanished with him and Bucky. When Loki threw him onto the bed his clothes were already gone and both were naked and clearly just as ready as him. He didn’t even hesitate to pull Loki onto the bed and suck down his length while sticking his ass up ready to be taken by Bucky with or without prep. At this point he honestly didn’t care. Bucky stretched him a little but hearing the sounds coming out of Loki and seeing Tony eagerly giving the god a blow job he only did a little prep before he was thrusting into him. Tony groaned at the slight burn and finally being filled and the vibrations of it around Loki’s cock had the god coming with a curse. He didn’t stop sucking the god’s cock even when he begged him to. Bucky was roughly pounding into him but he paused long enough to pull Tony off of Loki.

“Loki if you’re a god you can’t possibly be done yet. If I’m going to put Hulk’s destruction to shame I’m going to need some help.” Bucky said in as husky tone that had both Loki and Tony hard.

“Oh I like how you think mortal. I’m glad we decided to share him.”

Tony felt Loki’s fingers join Bucky’s cock trying to stretch him enough to take them both.

“Oh god I can’t take you both.”

Bucky grinned as he kissed his neck.

“But as you so happily told all your friends you want me to destroy your asshole. You know you shouldn’t say things like that in front of people.”

Bucky thrust into him hard making Tony moan.

“Is this some 40s bullshit of not saying shit in front of woman?”

Bucky chuckled as he whispered in Tony’s ear, “I was talking about Stevie, he looked ready to faint.”

Bucky had been distracting him so he didn’t realize Loki had finished stretching him further until he felt the second cock entering him. He clung to Loki honestly worried they were going to ruin his ass.

“Relax my darling.” Loki said kissing his fears away.

He cried out when they both filled him. From there it was all a blur as they fucked into him so hard he was doubtful he’d been able to sit for the next month without thinking about what they did to him.

When he woke up he felt everything from the night before and it brought the biggest grin to his face. He could feel the massive number of bruises around his neck, chest, and back. He looked and yeah apparently the two had gotten into a competition to see who could leave more. He tried to stand but found he couldn’t. It was going to be another embarrassing day of seeing how long it took him to get to the bathroom. His record now is eight hours.

“Need help walking?” Loki purred close to his ear suddenly appearing.

“Holy shit.” He probably would have jumped higher but his backside was protesting.

“I may be a deity but I assure you my shit has never been holy.”

Tony wanted to laugh but he really wanted to be able to walk to. Loki denied him as he carried him to the bathroom and after that embarrassment he carried him down to the common floor to face his teammates. When they reached the floor Clint was still being a little shit.

“All I’m wondering is if I pimped him out to other villains would you kill them?” Clint was asking Bucky who was already there.

“Cyborg human, no killing the archer. I find him entertaining enough to let him live.” Loki told Bucky who was already pulling out a knife.

Bucky pouted and Clint’s eyes widened realizing Bucky had been about to stab him.

“And to answer your question little hawk, why kill the clients when I we can kill the pimp?”

Clint paled a bit and Tony just smirked even though he was being held by the god because he honestly couldn’t sit down.

“You can’t kill me, I’m awesome and useful. Look.”

Clint held up a doughnut pillow and Tony could have kissed the archer if it wasn’t for the fact it would probably get him killed.

“Very well you can live another day. No pimping out my human.”

When the others join them no one comments on the fact apparently Loki was there to stay, Bucky may or may not be trying to murder Clint, and the fact that when Bruce finally did come back and he hulked out it was like the giant was trying to prove his damage couldn’t be outdone even by a god and the most feared assassin.

 


End file.
